some jokes
Clinton goes to hell
Bill Clinton dies and goes to Hell and is greeted personally by Lucifer.
"Welcome Bill. Seeing as you were such an important person while
you were alive, I will give you a choice as to how you want to spend the rest
of eternity. Now follow me please..."
The Devil opens a door and Bill looks in. Newt Gingrich is hanging
upside down and screaming over a roaring inferno. "No way" says Bill
and they close the door and move on.
In the next chamber Al Gore is chained to the wall and being tortured by
devils with barbed whips and other unspeakable instruments. "Tough break,
Al" says Bill and turns to the Devil. "Are they all like this?."
The Devil says, " There is one more chamber for you to look at. Decide
for yourself." He opens the door to the last chamber. Bill looks in and
sees Kenneth Starr chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving
him a BJ. After a while Bill can't see any obvious torture involved and asks
the Devil, "And this is for eternity, right?".
"Right."
"OK, I'll take this one."
" Very well" says the Devil. " So be it. Monica you can
stop now. Your
replacement is here"
Legend about "Blond hair and a mirror in a bar in New York"
Legend
has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a
very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth,
one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie *poof* - - you are instantly
swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo,
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before
the mirror and says, " I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the
world."- - - *poof* The mirror swallows her.
Next a
rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think i'm the
sexiest woman alive ! - - - *poof* The mirror swallows her.
Then an
absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says,
"I think...." - - -*poof*
A man went to confession and said, "Forgive me father, for I have
sinned."
The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins, and the man
replied that he had used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Mary's and try to
watch your language."
The man replied that he would like to confess as to why he said the
"F-word." The priest sighed and told him to continue.
"Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of
going to church."
The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I
duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions,
"No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a
lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit
the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the
squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you
swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the
dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the
hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking
putt!"
The Golf Ball
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one
fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you
have at least one other golf ball?" he asks.
The other guy replied that no, he needs only the one. "Are you
sure?" the friend persists. "What happens if you lose that
ball?"
The other guy replies, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't
lose it so I don't need another one."
"Well," the friend asks, "what happens if you miss your
shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replies, "this special golf ball
floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost
among the bushes and shrubs?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing
beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late,
the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going
to do then?"
"No problem, this ball is fluourescent. I'll be able to see it in
the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the
friend asks,
"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" "I found it."
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him
and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that
this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only
10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about
it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says
with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies,
"Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's
about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something
that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well
Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one
more question for you. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his
shoulders and
says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Truck Troubles
The doc told him
that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The
man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the
rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley,
but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he
realized his solution.
On his way home,
he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled
underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he
undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his
eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer too orgasm, he felt a quick
tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the
orgasm, he kept hiseyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard,
"This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied,
"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply,
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there
because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
==============================
President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary
school today and when
he visited one of the classes, (4th grade I believe)
they were in the
middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher
asked the President if he would like to lead the class
in the discussion
of the word, "tragedy."
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an
example of a tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best
friend, who lives next
door, was playing in the street and a car came along
and ran over him,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Clinton, "that would be an
accident."
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus
carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that
would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's
what we would call a
GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Clinton
searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who
can give me an example
of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy
raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying
Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was
struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that
would be a
tragedy!"
"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's
right. And can you tell me WHY
that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it
wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly would be no great loss!"
The
Monday morning laugh!
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely
healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her
occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to
look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the
counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will
do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and
he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there is The Voodoo penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he
asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out
a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened
it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.
It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what
it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the
door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to
the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with
the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before
the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The
Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once
more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but
finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a
special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis,
my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be
fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy
her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo
Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started
pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced
before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her,
still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her
husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if
they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible
intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her
over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't
had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck
in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head
and in an arrogant voice replied,
"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
only in America
Only in America...can
a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!
Only in America...are
there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink!
Only in America...do
drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions!
Only in America...do
people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke!
Only in America...do
we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we
won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!
Only in America...do
we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well.
"Poli-" meaning "many" and
"tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures!"
Only in America...do
we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering for the blind!
1) WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding
items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her
purse
"So, do you
always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No,"
she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this
was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
---------------
2) UNDERSTANDING
WOMEN
(A
MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know
I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be
afraid of a spider!
------------------
3) MARRIAGE
SEMINAR
While
attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife
Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is
essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.
He
addressed the man,
"Can you name
your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over,
touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury,
isn't it?
--------------
4) CIGARETTES
AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a
pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices
him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct
aisle.
A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string
on the counter.
She says,
confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers,
" You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I
sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause
it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure
if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
-----------------
5) WIFE
VS. HUSBAND
A
couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and
neither
of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a
barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep,"
the wife replied, "in-laws."
--------------------
6) W
O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife
about how many words women use a day
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because
we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"
----------------------
7) CREATION
A
man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so
beautiful all at the same time.
"
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
--------------------------
8) WHO
DOES WHAT
A
man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said,
"You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't
have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The
husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it,
because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies,
"No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man
should do the coffee."
Husband replies,
"I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the
Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
----------------------------
9) THE
SILENT TREATMENT
A
man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent
treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his
wife to wake him at
Not wanting to be
the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please
wake me at
The next morning,
the man woke up, only to discover it was
and he had missed
his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper
said, "It is
Men are not equipped for
these kinds of contests.
-----------------------------
God may have
created man before woman,
but there is
always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.